fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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