dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
