I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
