i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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