omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
