he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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