I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
