Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
