All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
