I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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