I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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