I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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