dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
my poor anus
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
