I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
