This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Randomize
