omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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