that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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