Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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