Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
