Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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