No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
