I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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