She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
