My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
