Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
