I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
