What did we do last night that was yellow?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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