my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm like, not good at living.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
