I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
