i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
