She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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