I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Floor bacon is actually really good
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
