you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
