He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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