Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
