The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
