I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
