its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
