Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
