How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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