it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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