Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I woke up under a house in Key West
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
