Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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