i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Randomize
