She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
