I'm going to jail i love you
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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