Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
