I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
