who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
