I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
