Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
