I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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