got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
