I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
