my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
