Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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