apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
