nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
