You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
