I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
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And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
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We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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