I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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