Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
