I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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