There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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