is your mom at the bar?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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